My name is Matthew Leblanc… My ID is Trashmob-707. Yeah, I know, it’s depressing, but apparently I can’t change it. I will eternally be known as garbage.

For most of my life on ‘Generic Earth Server-1927’, I always thought that I was unlucky. After all, I was always borderline broke, had only two girlfriends ever and both of them turned out to be cheating bitches, then I was about to get murdered in my own home. It was Baltimore though, so that wasn’t particularly surprising.

What was incredible though, was the fact that I happened to become a ‘Player’ at the last moment. It turned out that I was just a fucking NPC in a VR program called “Old Earth Online”. I also inherited a Private Server from a mysterious woman called Fate Fortuna… Who is essentially a Goddess compared to me. At least in the sense that she can erase my existence whenever she likes.

Supposedly though, Providence, the main AI of my Private Server, can prevent her from doing that. Assuming that she actually wants to keep me around. After all, she thinks I’m a weak minded loser just because I felt guilty about killing over a million people before I died.

Over a motherfucking million! Do you understand how many people that is?! Baltimore only had about six-hundred thousand in the whole city. Probably a lot less after the civil war…

Anyway, I died. Killed by my own ‘luck’. But at least I went out with a ‘bang’. Aside from that, I received twelve new cards from my post-mortem Achievements, but only five experience points.

[Summoner: Matthew Leblanc
ID Code: Trashmob-707
Rank: Unranked
Level: 8
Experience: 7/10
Mana: 8/8
Cards: 51
Description: A Player with zero skill, but a decent amount of luck. The kind of Summoner who makes other Players want to go out of their way to kill him. Able to murder millions of people without batting an eye. A truly ruthless monster. Honestly slightly impressive.]

Yep, I’m still Unranked. It’s good that I was though, because otherwise, I would’ve lost hundreds of thousands of experience… If that’s even possible?

The Cards of Fate, my ‘Mod’, allows me to basically cheat in any game I decide to play. Yeah, I still haven’t decided which game I should play next yet. After all, I still need to organize my decks. Since I died, it has been a whole day of Server Time. In other words, all my cards have returned from the graveyard, so I can actually organize my decks.

Before that though, let me show you the cards I got for ‘dying’. Let’s begin with the first one…

[Am I meant to be writing this down in some sort of journal? Or are you malfunctioning?]

Yes Providence, this is a diary of sorts. A mental one. But I guess since I’m just an AI, everything I ‘think’ is recorded, right?

[No. Of course not. That would require far too much memory. If you wish to record something, you must ask me to record it first. Fortunately, this monologue of yours is rather short, so I can easily recall everything that you have thought until now.]

Thanks… Anyway, this card is the one I received from the first Achievement: “Becoming a Player”.

[Item: Identification Card
Type: Consumable
Rarity: Uncommon
Mana Cost: 1
Description: Summons a randomly generated identification card. This card can be used on the Summoner or any of their humanoid Creatures. It will allow the Summoner to enter most countries in games like Old Earth Online, where ID is required for many situations.]

Considering that I really don’t wanna play Old Earth Online again any time soon, I’m gonna throw that one in the useless pile for now. Now this next one is from the second Achievement: “25 Years on Earth”.

[Item: Adaptive License
Type: Tool
Rarity: Rare
Mana Cost: 2
Description: Summons a randomly generated license for the intended subject. This card can be used on the Summoner or any of their humanoid Creatures. It will allow the Summoner to practice medicine, drive vehicles and sometimes even ‘kill’, in games like Old Earth Online.]

Yet another very useful card, except for the fact that it’s specifically geared towards Old Earth Online. Next is the one I got from “Million Massacre”… Yep, it’s as ridiculous as I expected it to be.

[Item: Fat Man and Little Boy
Type: Consumables
Rarity: Epic
Mana Cost: 6
Description: Summons two famous atomic bombs, which were utilized during the Second World War. Little Boy is a 4400 kg uranium fission bomb, with the equivalent power of 14.5 kilotons of TNT. Fat Man is a 4535 kg plutonium fission bomb, with the equivalent power of 23 kilotons of TNT. Both bombs are extraordinarily large and heavy, thus leaving the issue of how they can be wielded properly. The atomic bombs are designed to detonate based on barometric pressure, but they can also be modified in various ways.]

Yep, the bombs that destroyed Hiroshima and Nagasaki… They only cost six mana. That’s the equivalent of six hours. So I could go to sleep, wake up and suddenly have the power to conjure two atomic bombs. Hence why the Cards of Fate were deemed as cheating by the people in charge of my Old Earth Online Server.

Of course I’m worried about my dad and extended family members, but it’s not like I can do anything about it now, right? No, I couldn’t save them even when I was there. I can only hope that they were Players or at the very least, important NPCs.

Anyway, “300k PKs” also gave me a pretty amazing reward. I honestly didn’t even know that the Old Earth series had Spell cards.

[Spell: B-2 Bombing Run
Type: Offensive
Rarity: Epic
Mana Cost: 4
Description: Summons a B-2 Stealth Bomber to appear in the airspace within 50 kilometers of the target. This flying wing aircraft is very difficult to pick up on radar and can carry up to 18,000 kg of ordinance. Although it will automatically come equipped with Mark 82 and Mark 84 low-drag general purpose unguided bombs, it can generally be played along with any type of air-dropped weapons… Given that they are under 18,000 kilograms and small enough to fit within the rotary launcher or two bomb racks.]

I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I would get two atomic bombs, along with a Spell that lets me use them properly. Not that I’m planning to use them any time soon. The next card was from “Honor Roll Student”… Yeah, I didn’t have high hopes either, but this is actually pretty impressive.

[Spell: Instant Compulsory Education
Type: Passive
Rarity: Rare
Mana Cost: 8
Description: Sends the specified humanoid Summoned Creatures to experience 12 years of compulsory education in a Single-Player version of a generic Old Earth Online classroom somewhere in America. Includes societal training, bullying, multiple levels of academic difficulty and the ability to be expelled, suspended or killed in a school shooting event. 12 years in Single Player mode will pass within 4.38 Server days. The targets have the ability to refuse and/or leave the Compulsory Education program at any time. The targets will not age or grow within the Single Player mode.]

It might sound cruel and fucked up, but it’s still a great Spell. Think of it this way… I can use this to teach those Xian Dao Natives how to speak and write in English. Along with other basic societal norms, though they’d probably just get expelled after trying to kill the teachers.

“Unskilled Worker” gave me another Uncommon card. I guess seven years in customer service and cleaning houses wasn’t considered an impressive feat.

[Creature: Japanese Maids
Type: Unit
Rarity: Uncommon
Mana Cost: 3
Description: Summons 2-5 Japanese Maids. They are proficient in customer service tasks, though they only understand Japanese. Their main language is Japanese after all. These young girls and feminine men are more experienced in prostitution than actual house cleaning tasks. Some of them might be assassins, while others are popular idols. The majority are just miscellaneous maid cafe workers.]

Yep, pretty fucking useless. Unless I’m planning to open a weird Japanese maid cafe/brothel, it’s basically never going to be used for anything. Now this next card… The one I got for the ‘Achievement’, “Dead Broke”, is actually really amazing.

[Item: Adaptive Currency
Type: Consumable
Rarity: Rare
Mana Cost: 3
Description: Summons a moderate amount of currency. The type of currency will depend on what game the Summoner is playing. In Old Earth Online, on the planet Earth, in the years 2000 to 2020, 100 to 1000 USD will be generated within the borders of the United States of America. This works for nearly any game, including Chaotica’s Coliseum 3, Pantheon 5 and Galactic Life Online 3.]

No matter what game I decide to play next… At least I won’t be dead broke from the very start. Then again, I have other consumables that would be worth a hell of a lot more than a hundred to a thousand bucks. For example, Fat Man and Little Boy. Although it’d be super hard to sell those in Old Earth Online.