Chapter 49: Butter

Once the strip-show was over and half of the drunk people either went back to their rooms or passed out on the floor, Michael had decided to pay for his iced-tea bill the old fashioned way: Writing a ridiculous song and performing it in front of a very small audience. He went up on stage and pulled an acoustic guitar out of thin air, before playing some random chords and singing “Do you really want to see~, the darkest part of me~? I promise you~ that I~, will stab you in the eye~! Because I’m a monster~, and I want to watch you die~! It’s not like I~, even know your name~! It ain’t like I~, care about your fame~! You’re just a trash~ mob~! Your life is made of shit~! You’re just some douchebag~! I killed you, in the very first hit~!”

Surprisingly, the few people who were still conscious, actually seemed to enjoy the show. The extremely skinny, mysterious black-cloaked person suddenly yelled “Hey Mike, play the theme to ‘Donkey-Fuck Five’!”

Hearing that, the Nephilim smirked, shouting “Holy shitty-dicks! Butter! What the hell are you doing in Kansas?!”

“You asshole, don’t say my name out loud! Oh wait, never mind, I thought you revealed my actual identity! That would’ve been bad, I mean, no, I’m not a suspicious person! There definitely isn’t a bounty on my head! Stop looking at me like that you fucking cunts! You wanna go bro?! I swear to God I’ll shoot you straight in the dick! Oi, dumpster-slut! Stop glaring at me like that you ugly bitch! I don’t give a fuck, I’ll shoot you in your jizzy cock-sucking lips! Fuck off!” Although their voice wasn’t that deep, Michael clearly recognized the black-clothed man, who had a confederate flag bandanna covering his mouth and nose.

‘Butter’ unholstered both of his guns and aimed them at the crowd, but there were at least ten other people pointing their weapons at him as well. Some of them had pistols, others had hunting rifles and a few even had SMGs; the fairly unattractive woman he was directly insulting was aiming a crossbow at his face from a dozen meters away.

However, the biggest problem was that the busty beauty standing behind the bar was holding a twelve-gauge shotgun to the back of his head. Jessie shouted “Alrighty then folks, everybody stand down or I’ll hafta get my Pops in here ta deal with ya!”

After everyone had somewhat settled down, he holstered his guns, but they were still cursing loudly at the extremely rude and outrageous man. When he turned around, the woman was still aiming towards his face.

Michael sighed dramatically and sucked the guitar into his inventory, which seemed like a crazy magic-trick to everyone watching. Then he casually walked across the room and sat down next to Butter, smiling wryly at Jessie; she used the barrel of her gun to unmask the relatively effeminate man and wrinkled her relatively small nose, while squinting.

She asked “Ain’t ya that ‘Butter Smooth’ guy? You’re one uh them freaks that beat the Devil and got Satanic powers, right?”

The extremely pale-skinned man smiled, boasting “Fuck yes I am! Hahaha~, I mean, I never actually ‘met’ her in person, but that bitch is so~ bad at ‘Guild of Heroes’! Okay, like, it was her first time ever playing and she didn’t even know how to lane or nothin! Seriously, the easy-bots were smarter than that dumb hoe!”

Michael snickered, wondering “And what mystical powers did you receive for this epic and amazing victory?”

“I don’t wanna talk about it.” The grin had instantly turned into a dejected frown, as he sat down with his arms crossed. However, Jessie was still pointing her shotgun at his face from only a few inches away.

A cellphone appeared in the Nephilim’s right hand, as he went to Arcana’s blog and searched ‘Butter’. There was a whole profile on him, giving detailed information about his entire life, as if someone had been stalking him since before he was even born. It talked about how his parents abused him as a child and he ran away from home, contained every picture and video that he had ever taken or been in, including various ‘sex-tapes’ and pornographic images. There was even a decent amount of ‘doodles’ he had drawn as a child.

“Wow, this is some super-seriously fucking weird shit, hahaha~! Kana’s so goddamn creepy sometimes…” For the ‘Goddess’, a month was closer to a few millennia, since her concept of time was extremely twisted; the amount of mana that she expended was also quite absurd. Finally, he was able to find the ‘Stats’ page, which gave him a rather depressingly weak overview.

[Player Information

Name: Cameron(Aka Butter Smooth)
Titles: The Liar, The Cheater, The Fool, The Racist, The Sexist, The Narcissistic Moron Who Should Not Have Insulted Arcana
Level: 0
Experience: N/A
Age: 27
Race: Human
Rank: None
Class: None
Specialization: None
Profession: Unemployed]

[Stats

Strength: 1
Vitality: .5
Endurance: .5
Dexterity: 1
Agility: .5
Intelligence: 3
Wisdom: 1
Perception: 2
Charisma: 1.5

Willpower: 3
Luck: 2
Aura: 1]

[Passives

Arousal Resistance: Unable to become sexually aroused, under any circumstance.]

[Spellbook

Visual Enhancement: Able to see clearly in the dark and through light clothing.]

 

After reading his ‘special powers’, Michael started laughing hysterically and showed it to Jessie. Once she saw that, she finally lowered her weapon and actually felt a bit of pity for ‘Cameron’.

On the other hand, the Nephilim didn’t even feel slightly bad for one of his closest friends. In fact, he put his smart-phone back into his inventory and pulled out a magical ‘Whisper Booster’.

Then he scooted closer to the depressed man and told him “Look, if it makes you feel better, these are my two wives and four girlfriends… This is Inari, she’s basically a cute, fluffy, green fennec fox, but she can turn into a kitsunemimi, so it’s probably not bestiality, maybe. Here’s Sarah~, she’s an adult… Goblin, or she was, now she’s like a Death Elf or some such bullshit; whatever, the point is that it isn’t pedophilia, because she’s mature enough to be a psychotic murderer, and Arcana made the rules, so I ain’t gonna poke holes in them! Anyway~, this is Elina~, or Elly~, and she is probably one of the most beautiful, kind and naive cat-girls I’ve ever met, but I still love her so much that I would seriously strangle you to death right now, if you tried to hurt her.

“So yeah~, then there’s Jasmine Jade~… She’s an adorable, mass-murdering, loli slime-girl pussy? I think she’s a succubus, technically, but she isn’t a slut! My JJ only fucks the six of us who are in a really awkward, soul-binding relationship, and we’re all sharing a single body right now, but that doesn’t really matter. Back to what I was saying; this is Alice or Ally for short… Actually, now that I think of it, Ally isn’t really shorter at all, but it does sound cuter. She’s basically a giant three-meter tall anthropomorphic dragoness, who can kinda-sorta turn into a five-foot tall fairy?

“Hmm~, last but not least, is my ‘oldest’, I mean, super-old, like, if she was human, she’d be seventy-four. Oh, wait a second, that didn’t really make sense… Whatever, Talia is a ‘young’ and gorgeous, High-Elven Huntress, who can transform into a Dryad, which is so goddamn sexy; shit, looking at all of these naked pictures is making me really fucking horny! Ah, I’m sorry, I forgot that you were impotent and will never be able to have sex with your tiny, floppy, stick of ‘butter’ again!”

After being shown many images of the six women, Cameron glared at Michael and solemnly said “You’re a dick.” before finally drinking that shot of whiskey. However, almost instantaneously, his vision became blurry and he yelled “No! Shit! I think I just got roofied! Ugh, I hate when this happens~!”

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31 thoughts on “Chapter 49: Butter

  1. From that last sentence, I can guess that that wasn’t the first time he’s been roofied? In fact, the way he said it felt like he’s almost used to it…

    Liked by 1 person

  2. So they drug the bounties huh? Butters dun FUCKED UP HARD my son… You will never rise again! The title made me almost fall over laughing cause I snorted so hard I thought I turned into a pig-beastman for a second there… I didn’t remember that your titles only get better as time goes on!

    You can’t drug someone who’s blood is probably one of the most potent hallucinogenic in Arcana and by definition, makes it the strongest drug on the planet for a simple lower-plane like Earth. Nice try~ Pure chaos next chapter, because these chapters have not had the equivalent amount of random slaughter and/or detailed mutilations that we have come to love.

    I swear I didn’t see this pop up in my follows list, sorta like Shiroyukitranslations doesn’t pop-up at all anymore even though I follow them… I should go fix that so I can close the tab for once instead of alt-tabbing and refreshing every hour or so…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Sigh, this was supposed to be posted 2 hours ago, but I accidentally scheduled it for the wrong day roflmao.

    Btw, I know that people typically don’t look at anything that isn’t a chapter, so here Lots of Links. If you read a lot of translated stories, you might want to check that out :P.

    Like

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