“Calm down Iris… Besides, I told you to just stay home. You should at least wait until after the baby is born to go hunting…” Luke’s glowing golden irises peered out from the holes in his silver helmet and stared at his wife’s breasts for a moment, before glancing up into those bright-green, rage-filled eyes.
She complained “Hell no! The last time I let you go out by yourself, you got captured and tortured for weeks… Do you have any idea how boring it was for me?! I had to wait around base all day, every day, watching porn and masturbating… The whole point in being married is that I’m supposed to have a dick that I can use whenever I want!”
The silver-armored knight yelled “No, that’s actually not the point of being married! Seriously, I almost died and-”
Iris screamed “Oh shut the fuck up! Don’t act like you didn’t enjoy cheating on me with all of those whores!”
He shouted “I was anally raped with strapons covered with barbs! They pierced my balls with dozens of needles and forced me to-”
“They didn’t ‘force’ you to do shit! If it was so awful, then why did you wait three weeks to escape?! You enjoyed fucking those tentacle-demons and then, you even came back and gave me super-herpes! Grah~! I swear to God, if Jane didn’t cure me, I would have burned your dick off and divorced your ass the old fashioned way!” She flipped over her left and a small fireball appeared, which rapidly began expanding.
Luke yelled “Okay~, so maybe I did wanna spend some time away from ‘you’! But still, did you think I wouldn’t find out about ‘your’ affairs?! I mean seriously, Lee I could kind of understand, but Gabriel?! He’s basically a giant gorilla!”
The blue-eyed, fiery elven angel roared “I never fucked either of them! You’re the only person I’ve ever had sex with goddamn it! Who the hell told you I screwed those two losers?! And why would you even believe that?!”
“Enough! If you want to fight to the death, then let’s just get on with it! I’ve got far more important things to do than listen to your petty squabbling! Besides, I hate romantic comedies!” After shouting loudly, Cain pulled the blade of his scythe out of the desiccated ground and charged towards the irritating married couple.
However, Luke yelled “Wait, wait a second! We didn’t come here to kill you! Listen, let’s just all calm down and-” Unfortunately, before he could even finish talking, a gigantic obsidian skull was cackling and soaring through the air. He jumped in front of his wife and used that glowing ivory tower shield to block the attack.
Meanwhile, Iris started laughing hysterically, as she screamed “Good! Who needs this fucker anyway?! Evil son of a bitch hates romantic comedies! The two of us can’t exist on the same planet! Die shithead! Hahahaha~! Burn in Hell you vampiric scumbag!”
A giant crimson flaming serpentine dragon erupted from the crystal on the end of her staff and swooped down into that obsidian scythe. It coiled around the gigantic five-meter tall man’s body and squeezed so tightly that his armor cracked apart.
The beast actually had a corporeal form and wasn’t just a telekinetic or illusory trick. That gem was a magical storage device that could hold living creatures that were of the Fire Affinity.
As he started growing rapidly, Cain roared “You think this can hold me?! Grah!” His body didn’t stop until he was ten meters tall and the dragon could no longer coil around him so many times.
Using all of his absurd strength, he ripped the fiery creature off of his legs, abdomen and chest. However, before he had the chance to deal any damage to the monster, it slithered up into the sky and flew into the clouds.
Even though it was the middle of the night, it seemed like midday and the dragon kept expanding until it totally illuminated all of Baltimore City. Iris flapped her scarlet wings and soared a few dozen meters into the air; she caressed the crystal on her staff with her left hand, pulling out a small, but concentrated ball of pure-white fire.
She pressed it against her crimson lips and inhaled; a few moments later, she opened her mouth and a massive beam of superheated plasma blasted through Cain’s chest. There was an enormous hole where his right lung was supposed to be and since the wound was seared shut, he couldn’t regenerate very quickly.
Luke blocked a seven meter long scythe blade with his shield, but was thrown all the way across the football field and crashed into the stands. The furious angelic knight kicked off of the rubble and flew back towards the charging giant, swinging his ivory longsword downwards, which slashed a huge tear in that obsidian helmet.
Cain growled “You’re going to have to try a bit harder, little blood-bags!” The left side of his face was mostly visible and his veins were pitch-black, while an inky fluid was gushing out from forehead.
Iris screamed “Oh yeah, fuckface?! How about this?!” That dragon in the sky curled up into a ball and orange plasma swirled around its body, along with arcs of purple lightning.
However, Luke immediately shouted “No! You’ve gotta be kidding me right?! Stop it right now! We aren’t here to fight and we definitely aren’t allowed to nuke Baltimore! Honey, I’m serious! Put that thing away!”
“Oh calm down~! It’d be a ‘tactical’ nuke at most! If we wanna kill this bastard, then we gotta go all out! Use your Aura Shield to protect us from the blast!” As Iris floated down behind her husband’s shiny metal wings, the draconic bomb was slowly falling towards the ten-meter tall giant.
Of course, hearing all of that, Cain attempted to turnaround and run away; at that moment, gigantic black claws burst up out of the ground, gripping his ankles tightly. Butter also appeared next to the fiery angelic elven woman, cackling maniacally.
He yelled “I told you~! Fucking asshole didn’t believe me when I said that you guys were coming to save me! Hahahaha~! Time to die, ya ugly bitch!”
Luke grumbled “Fine, whatever, but is Violet going to be okay? I mean, this is going to be messy…”
Butter snickered, “Yeah, probably? Don’t you remember that one time, in New Mexico, when we went to that bar and this crazy cunt PMSed the place to hell? Big V’s gotten way stronger since then and she was barely even singed the last time.”
Finally, Cain stopped struggling and roared “Stop! I surrender! Okay?! Fuck, stop it! You said you just wanted to talk, so go ahead and talk! Grah! If you don’t stop, I’m going to have to get serious and then we’re all going to suffer! So just cut it out!”
Hearing that, Iris sighed and whistled loudly, causing the colossal serpentine flame-dragon to uncoil and swoop down into the magical ruby on the end of her crimson staff. Luke chuckled, sheathed his sword within his tower shield and walked fifty meters forward.
At the same time, the obsidian-armored giant began shrinking rapidly, along with his scythe. The silver knight explained “I really do hate you, ya know? But we have a much bigger, ‘common’ enemy… We stand no chance against Arcana, she’s practically invincible. Fortunately, her ‘emissary’ isn’t quite so overpowered. I’m sure you’re aware of that ‘Quest’ by now, right?”
Cain complained “Of course I fucking know about Michael Cinagra… but he disappeared three years ago. After finding him though, we still need to find a way to actually kill him. I’m still pretty angry that he destroyed Atlantis, but the fact remains that he’s basically immortal.”
Butter walked up and snickered obnoxiously, “Mike can definitely die~… Has anyone actually even tried to seriously kill him though? He vanished before we all got these ridiculous superpowers and I’m sure that if we get enough damage-dealers, it should be possible to burn him down.”
Iris yelled “This ain’t a fuckin videogame! Anyway, it doesn’t matter how strong he is! If we don’t do something, he’s eventually going to destroy the world! I actually don’t hate the world, now that there’s magic and stuff… Oh, and I’m gonna be having a baby soon, so I really don’t want ‘it’ to die!”
Luke sighed, turning his right gauntlet over and projected a holographic screen from his palm. “As far as ‘finding’ Mike goes… A few weeks ago, I found this ‘mana-detection’ skillbook in the jungle that used to be his house.” A globe appeared, floating several feet above his hand. He took a deep breath and then exhaled softly, releasing a pulse of concentrated Light mana in every direction.
Suddenly, the three-dimensional planet started glowing brightly in certain places, more-so than others. It took a while, but eventually, every point of high concentration on the map was illuminated or darkened, depending on the type of aura that was present in that location.
The entire continent of Antarctica was constantly changing colors, from white, to black and sometimes hot pink. In comparison, Baltimore was dark-red from the battle that had just occurred. Cain muttered “Fine, we’ll call a truce for the time being… As much as I hate it, I’ll work with you three blood-bags.”
After that, the three-meter tall obsidian knight turned around and left the mostly destroyed stadium through the player entrance. Then Butter asked “So~, what now? You guys wanna eat tacos, pizzas or sushi? I’m kinda in the mood for Thai…”