I’m still alive! Hahaha~! I’m still alive motherfuckers!

Yeah, sorry, but I’m feeling amazing right now! Have you ever been struck by lightning? To be more exact… Fallen off a two-story building, into a pile of zombies and nearly drowned in blood, then gotten struck by lightning?

Just, eww, and more blegh. Then bam! Like sticking your dick in a light-socket! Actually, I’ve never tried that and I seriously don’t recommend every doing that. Then again, without electricity, it probably won’t kill you. Might hurt though.

Anyway, I’m really amped up right now. Get it? Amped up? Never mind, I’ll spare you from my shitty puns for the moment. I need to write in order to forget about the horrible, agonizing, skull-fuckingly terribad pain that I’m feeling in my leg and chest.

Found this random notebook in this guy’s apartment. Left the old one at home, because I didn’t really expect to be writing a last will and testament so soon. Okay, that’s a lie, I figured that I could literally die at any moment… Basically since I was a little kid and my parents told me “You can literally die at any moment, so cherish every second you have.”

No, no, I ain’t worried about these little burns. They hurt, sure, but they’re already starting to scab over. The problem is something way bigger than that.

I drank it. My helmet was filled with zombie blood and I was struggling to breath. Then I accidentally got some in my mouth and was about to throw up, but I panicked and swallowed it instead. Concentrated blood from the biggest and scariest bastard I’ve ever seen in person. Seriously, he was like a guy on steroids, on steroids!

His brain juices and blood… Sorry, I almost vomited a bit. See! It figures that my phobia would get me killed one day. Always thought it would be my OCD that got the better of me, but no, it had to be the vomiting thing.

I’m not afraid to die. Idiots always struggle so hard to stay alive, that they wind up getting themselves killed. What I’m pissed off about is that I didn’t level up!

Seriously, the more of those trash mobs I wrecked, the stronger I felt. Then outta nowhere, they all started swarming me! I ended up having to go up onto the roof of a rowhouse and hold out for an hour, but there was no satisfaction!

It felt like I was about to cum and I even had an orgasm, except there was no ejaculation! Have you ever had that happen to you? It’s really annoying. The worst kind of ‘blue balls’… No, actually, I can probably think of plenty of other-

***

What time is it? Looks dark out, but I can’t tell if it’s from the storm clouds or if it’s actually night. I don’t know how long I’ve been sleeping…

My burns are gone. I’ve got a few fancy new lightning scars now, but the wounds themselves are totally healed. I’m guessing it must have been at least a few days, right? I feel like I haven’t eaten or drank anything for a week though.

Oh wait, don’t you die if you don’t drink for a week? It was like… Three minutes without oxygen, three days without water or three weeks without food. Even though there are totally people who can survive much longer than that.

Here I am, possibly dying from dehydration, yet I’m compulsively writing in a fucking journal that no one will ever read. I-wait a second! I passed out! I drank all that nasty zombie gunk and I didn’t turn into one of those bastards!

Maybe that mysterious succubus-ghost-demon thing saved me somehow? Either that, or I’m just immune. Oh, I guess it’s also possible that eating them is fine. Like, there are loads of things you can digest, but if it gets into your body through a cut, you’ll die.

The moral of the story is that I’m about to have explosive diarrhea, so I can’t really talk to myself right now. Bye, I guess?

***

Ew, ugh… Felt like I was passing kidney stones when I pissed that black shit out and well, the actual shit was even worse. I’m pretty used to this kinda pain and suffering though. Never quite this bad, but I can deal with it. As long as I’m alive, I’ll be fine.

I basically cleaned out this guy’s cabinets, not that he had much left. Ate three cans of tuna, a can of chicken, a can of corn and some gravy. Couldn’t cook any of it though. I’m not in the mood to face an army of zombies again any time soon. I washed my armor off with rainwater mixed with bleach. No clue if that’s bad for it or not, but it should kill any bacteria and viruses. No clue if it’ll do anything to nanites or magic though.

As for the knives and guns, I soaked them in bleachy water for a while. I’m not going to use them to eat with or wear them, so I don’t really need to worry too much about whether they’re clean or not. I know that I don’t, but I also don’t want them to smell like rotting flesh and shit.

I’m not really sure what changed exactly… I just know that something about my body is different ‘inside’. There’s nothing really strange on the surface. My eyes are still dark-brown, skin is deathly pale, veins are green or blue, plenty of scars from acne and other miscellaneous injuries over the years, black hair. I do have some red hairs in my beard and moustache, but it’s always been like that.

Normally, wouldn’t my irises turn cool colors or my hair would instantly become white? Although that doesn’t really make much sense if you think about it rationally… It would be more likely that it would start growing white or grey, not just instantly become bleached. Then again, I did bathe in zombie blood, so anything is possible I guess.

My abs are actually pretty ripped right now. I’ve always had trouble getting them to look like ‘that’, regardless of how much I worked out when I was younger. Eventually, I just gave up trying. Yet I can’t even show them off to anyone, because I walk around in a suit of armor and I have yet to meet another non-zombie that I would trust enough to expose my belly.

Hmmm, maybe I’m turning into a werewolf?! Nah, probably not. That would be pretty cool though, right?

When it comes to the undead, vampires are usually at the top of the food chain. I’ve never heard of a vampire drinking zombie brains and blood before… I don’t particularly feel vampiric, but who knows?

Whatever, at least I know that my rampant genocide against those annoying assholes isn’t pointless. I’m getting stronger, one way or another. Even if my only ability so far is slightly better than average healing, it’s still pretty awesome.

Not sure if this is true, but I think I have some kind of battle-related stamina regeneration. When I kill zombies, I feel a burst of energy coursing through me. I figured it was just adrenaline at first, now I’m pretty sure I’m gaining some kinda ‘experience points’. Maybe I already reached level one and just didn’t get a notification?

Okay, I don’t actually believe most of the shit I’m making up right now. If some super powerful being came and told me it was true, I’d change my mind. Until then, I’m gonna stick with the nanite theory. In that case, if I also had the tiny robots coursing through my veins, then I wouldn’t be surprised if they were repairing my tissue and letting me heal faster. The EMP that those zombies give off, might be charging my batteries… Or something like that.

I need to start doing experiments on the undead soon, but my top priority is finding a sailboat and fucking off outta this hellhole. I’ve got a really bad feeling since I woke up. Reminds me the way I felt when I read about that asteroid headed towards Earth last year. I even made a post on Facenovel, saying “Does anyone else think that this asteroid is going to hit us, or is it just me?”

Even though I was wrong, I was still close enough. Before that it was the Fukushima meltdown, a few bad tsunamis and earthquakes, the Twin Towers and… Well, before then, I can’t remember anything. I was born in ninety-two after all. What do you expect?

Oh yeah, before I forget… I really need to get a new helmet. There are a few motorcycles parked outside, so I should be able to find a few in this apartment building. In the worst-case scenario, I could just not wear one for a while.