Chapter 29: Unwanted Popularity

“Fucking shitty dickballs! Gah~! If feels like my lungs and skin are on fire! Goddamn it, I’m drowning too!” Michael had his brown eyes open, but they were being burnt by the saltwater. In fact, his entire body was being dried out and he was suffocating because of the salinity; even after he managed to unstrap himself from the table, the entire room was flooded and sealed shut.

It had been hours since the vents and valves had been closed, so if he was going to die, it would have happened a long time before he woke up. However, from the discomfort that he was experiencing, the naked man thought that it was probably already too late.

Thus, he was surprisingly calm, as he floated around and casually inhaled the salty water. Typically, when any sort of fluid enters a human’s lungs, it would cause serious problems and they would likely die if they didn’t remove it quickly.

The oddest thing was that when Michael breathed out, there was nothing but ‘normal’ air. There weren’t too many bubbles each time, yet they still contained a decent amount of nitrogen, oxygen, carbon dioxide, argon and various other gases present in Earth’s atmosphere.

“This is really fucking weird…” He took deep breaths of saltwater, unconsciously transforming the liquid into pure mana, before using Wind magic to create the exhalations. Of course, most of the mana was absorbed directly into his soul, but there wasn’t enough to form a single copper coin.

His body was relatively dense, so he could actually walk on the floor without much trouble. Glancing around, he noticed some white naval uniforms slightly floating, but being weighed down by some guns, ammunition and other equipment.

“One’s way too big, the other’s too small, but either way, I don’t wanna wear someone else’s clothes… Hmmm, the gear though, hehehe~.” Even underwater, he was still able to talk to himself rather proficiently.

As he picked up a black assault rifle, he muttered “This… looks like an AK-47 but kinda different? Maybe an AK-105 or something like that?” There were only five spare magazines tucked into the relatively large belt, which he wore from his left shoulder to his right waist.

He suddenly coughed a bit, grumbling “Damn it, maybe there’s some kinda toxic shit in this water… Saltwater shouldn’t burn my skin like this! I mean, it’s even stranger that I’m not dying right now… Or maybe I am, but this is just my near-death hallucination or dream? Whatever, assuming that it’s real, I need to put this shit away and find a way out of this… wherever this hellhole is?”

The second assault rifle was a black M4 carbine with iron-sights on the top and no extra attachments. As for sidearms, they were both silver semi-automatic pistols with a few extra magazines each.

“Umm, looks like 1911’s but, dafuck do I know? Oh, holy shit, this is pretty awesome!” When he was examining the two guns and strapping the holsters to his naked waist, he found a waterproof smart-phone. Not only that, but it also had internet access and didn’t even have a fingerprint scanner or other locking mechanism.

“Ah, I guess these are probably AMT Hardballers? Well, I honestly can’t tell the difference between em. Anyway~, I really wish I had ‘some’ kinda clothing~… What the fuck?!” As he was thinking about his ‘normal’ outfit at home, a white t-shirt and black boxers instantly appeared over his skin. They were even underneath the belts and the two assault rifles that were dangling on his back.

He snickered, muttering “Welp, to be completely honest, I’m not even slightly surprised that magic is real. The question is, where am I and how the hell do I get outta here?”

While he was looking up what would happen if he fired a gun underwater on his phone, the door unexpectedly opened. Michael quickly placed it back into the right side of his belt and was pulled through the doorway, sliding across the floor and immediately aiming his AK-105 at the ‘person’ who was standing by the control panel.

That relatively tall, pale-skinned ‘woman’ was nude, but the more eye-catching aspect of her appearance, was that her jaw was separated into two halves and a huge, purple, worm-like tongue was dangling out of the hole. Her purple irises were releasing a decent amount of Darkness mana, while she glared at her ‘target’.

A fairly long tail made out of a conglomeration of human spines, was floating in the water behind her, as she struggled to swim after Michael. She screeched “I, found, him! He’s… mine! Hihihihihihi~!”

“Nope~!” Without hesitation, he pulled the slide back and fired a round through her pitch-black right hand. Then another through her left shoulder, and by the time he was swept out into the hallway, he had put the third bullet through her forehead.

Yet, she still glared at him, shrieking “Mine~! Mine~! He’s mine~! Hyahahahaha~!” That huge worm wrapped around the barrel of the gun and prevented him from aiming at her body.

Michael laughed hysterically, as he complained “Stop giving me a boner, you extremely attractive monster-bitch!” Aside from guns and ammo, he also managed to find a huge combat-knife; when she grabbed his shoulders and slammed his back into the floor, he unsheathed the blade and stabbed it into the back of her neck.

Rancid obsidian blood was pouring all over his chest, as he heard a loud scream coming from his left: “Mine! I found him! He’s mine!”

There were similar cries coming from his right, and when he tilted his head back, he saw a three-meter tall, zombified panda. The massive beast roared “Mine! I claimed him, he’s mine!”

Suddenly, rather than sprinting towards him, the hordes of undead animals, vampires and humans, began tearing each other apart. Michael grumbled “Why does this seem even more ridiculous than the last time?!”

However, even though the majority of the monsters were killing each other, there were still quite a few who were headed towards him. A brown rabbit, with its left eye handing out of the socket, hopped over and attempted to chomp down onto his neck; he threw the naked worm-tongued woman’s corpse onto the critter and hurriedly rolled across the ground.

Michael sheathed the knife and used his AK-105 to kill the bunny with a single bullet; then he turned around and fired three rounds through a bald-man’s face. The hideous monster was shorter than him, but its head was abnormally large. Even with a few holes in its cheeks, it just continued limping towards him as he shuffled past.

“Fucking donkeydicks! Why can’t there just be ‘normal’ goddamn zombies?!” He couldn’t help but shout, as he saw a three-headed Jaguar, jumping out from a room to his left and attempting to pounce onto him.

Even when he fired on automatic and mulched two of its heads, the last one was still able to latch onto his left calf. It let out a deep growl, attempting to tear his leg off, but his response was to stomp down onto the back of its neck with his right heel.

The creature was internally decapitated and had no choice but to release him. He yelled “Ow, shit, cunt, twat, bitchtitties!” while getting stung by a swarm of ‘necrotic hornets’. Those little monsters would normally be able to zombify a person with a single sting, but Michael seemed to be impervious to their magical venom; although, that didn’t mean he was spared the horrible pain and discomfort.

“I want~, I want him~! He’s mine~!” When he reached the end of the hallway, what he saw was a ten meter long ‘centipede’. Its head was that of a ‘beautiful’, blonde haired and crimson eyed woman. However, she was crawling on her elbows and knees, because she didn’t have forearms or calves: there were just nubs. Her anus was prolapsed and attached to the bloody neck of a fat old man; her tailbone was also connected to his exposed spine. Behind him, was the upper-body of a little girl, who didn’t have arms or legs and acted purely as a link in a undead human-chain.

“Why?! What’s the point in this disgusting thing?! Why would somebody even create something like this?! I’m sure some cuntbag will try to make a low-budget, terribad horror-movie out of this piece of garbage! Except they’ll make it a hundred times less scary, cause it’ll just be normal people with their mouths stitched to each others assholes and they’ll call it ‘Human Shit Circle’!” Michael run-walked up to the abomination and casually kicked it in the mouth, causing its nose to break; then he bashed the back of its skull in with the butt of his assault rifle. It wasn’t quite ‘re-dead’, but there was a giant zombified panda-bear sprinting towards him, so he didn’t exactly have time to care about such a useless monstrosity.

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