Michael expended a few hundred rounds of ammo, jogging down random hallways, avoiding the claws, teeth, fangs and hands of all the monsters that were constantly chasing him. He complained “Goddamn it! Where the fuck is this place?! I’m gonna be super pissed if I find out that I’m like, on a space-station or some bullshit like that! Well, it’d need to have artificial gravity, if that’s even possible… Considering that there’s a horde of crazy mutated zombie animals and people trying to eat me, I honestly wouldn’t be that impressed if I was in space!”

A group of fifty vampiric fruit bats swooped down from the ceiling and latched onto his head, as he screamed “Grah!? Cuntbunnies! You think you’re so smart, huh?! Die!” Closing his eyes and mouth, he pulled a flashbang grenade off of his belt and threw it up into the air; he had a few moments to cover his ears, before it bounced off of the ceiling and exploded.

The flying foxes were deafened and some of them actually died from the shrapnel, which bombarded Michael’s body as well. Pulling the tiny piece of metal out of his left shoulder, he grumbled “Well that was a horrible idea, but whatever… Why are all these fucking doors sealed?!”

After turning a corner, he yelled “Sweet!” and sprinted towards an unlocked janitorial closet. The moment he entered, he hit a red button on the left-side wall and the door slammed down behind him.

Glancing around, he gagged, while pulling a twitching human child’s finger out of his chin-hair. Casually tossing it into a bucket of bleach, he walked back and sat down onto an uncomfortable metal fold-out chair.

There wasn’t much in the room aside from a sink, some shelves covered with cleaning supplies and a blinking yellow light on the ceiling. Michael let out a sigh, hanging the AK-105 from a coat-hanger on the wall, muttering “Now what? I’m starving and really goddamn thirsty, but water is for pussies… I really wish I had a couple gallons of sweet-tea; fruit juice would be way better though. Ugh, those bastards are so damn noisy… At least there aren’t any annoying sirens blaring constantly, heh~.”

Pulling the M4 off of his back, the exhausted man pulled on the slide and saw the bullet enter the chamber. After placing the gun onto his lap, he felt a slight vibration coming from his belt. He quickly grabbed the cell-phone and stared at the incoming caller’s name: Evil Asshole. Snickering, he immediately hit the ‘answer’ button and asked “Yeah, who’s this?”

A deep voice responded “Hello, my name is Admiral Cain and you’re currently on my ship-”

However, Michael cut him off and yelled “I fucking knew it! This is a goddamn spaceship, right?! Hahaha~!”

Joseph replied “Um, no… why would you even think that?”

“Ugh, that’s lame… Wait, I’ve been running around this place for a while now, but it’s definitely way bigger than any aircraft carrier I’ve ever seen. Are you sure it ain’t a space-station or some kinda crazy awesome Moon-base?” He wasn’t quite ready to believe that he was still on Earth.

Admiral Cain sighed and a map of the ‘ship’ abruptly appeared on the smart-phone’s screen; then he explained “This is the submersible aquabase, Atlantis. Your current position is marked by the large green light… I’m currently in the central command hub with the rest of my surviving crew members. There aren’t many of us left… All of those red dots are those ‘creatures’ that are currently infesting the ship.”

Michael muttered “Neat, hmmm~, kinda seems like this place is shaped like a flying saucer? Hell, there’s even the giant glass dome, heh~… Well, whatever, it still seems pretty cool for the most part. So yeah~, what the hell did you want from me?”

Joseph answered “You were unconscious when you were evacuated to the Atlantis, so perhaps you don’t realize this, but some sort of pathogen has spread throughout the ship. It infected all of the animals and people who were exposed to it via air, water or blood. However, for some strange reason, you seemed to be immune. Thus, we were attempting to synthesize a cure from-”

“Get to the fucking point! Besides, isn’t that basically the premise for every single apocalyptic zombie story ever? I mean, if you’re gonna bullshit me, ya might as well try a little harder. What do you ‘really’ want from me?” He was smirking, as he interrupted the mysterious man’s obvious lies.

The Admiral yelled “These things are clearly after ‘you’ more than anyone else, so ‘you’ should just lure them all back to the Garden of Eden! Once the halls are mostly cleared, ‘we’ can make it to the docks and escape!” A few seconds of silence passed, before Cain mumbled “W-what the? Why did I say that?”

Michael laughed hysterically, then shouted “Ow~, cuntballs~!” as he plucked a large jaguar tooth from his calf. There was a vampiric canine in his right forearm, and a ricocheted bullet shard embedded in one of his lower left ribs.

“Okay, fine, I’ll do it. It’ll be rough, but I think I’ll manage somehow. You should be able to see my location on a map of some sort, or maybe you can watch me on video feeds, whatever; just fuck off when you get the chance. I’m sure you don’t care, but I’ll probably be fine, one way or another.” He hung up immediately after that, staring at his rapidly healing wounds.

However, it wasn’t instantaneous or painless, so he needed to put the phone away and try to ‘concentrate’ on recovering. Placing the M4 onto an empty shelf, he sat back down onto the uncomfortable metal chair and removed the two belts, setting them onto the floor.

As he relaxed his mind, Michael started ‘singing’ “Do do~, de-do, do~ do dou du doh de~ de do~, ba de do dum ba do da dum, ba-ba-be-bo-bay-be bow~, boo~! Doh da tu ta da ka bow-oh~ wow~ wowa~! Yatakagabe~ ba boo bo di du dou~, cha cha ka ke ko ku ko cum~! Meow~, meow mew meow~ meow~! Mew~ow~ow~, do dou dum~! Canananantuahdua~! Yaouduoubawudua~! Nyan~ catagufauowudluawasudarahougu~!”

Since he couldn’t remember the lyrics to the myriad of songs that were vaguely stuck in his head, he just continued humming or belting out the notes in the most obnoxious way possible. In the middle of ‘meowing’ a loud and high-pitched F-sharp, a feminine voice screamed “Shut the fucking fuck up you piece of shit!” directly into his left ear.

He opened his eyes and instinctively tried to grab that raven’s neck with his right hand, but it transformed into black fog and reformed on his other shoulder. Michael glared at the bird for a few moments, before asking “Do I know you from somewhere? You seem super-familiar for some strange reason…”

“Mike, you’re such an asshole… Wait, do you seriously not remember who I am?” She dug her claws into his flesh, as her violet irises emitted an icy cold aura of death.

After their staring contest went on for a few minutes, he wondered “Are you like… Misty? Maybe my parrot got infected by that weird disease and turned into an angry crow-bitch?”

“I’m Sarah! You fucking cunt-whore! You’re ‘my’ personal bitch-boy!” As she screeched, her sharp beak pecked at his face several times in quick succession.

Michael tried to block her assault with his left hand, but she teleported to his other shoulder again and continued the barrage of painful jabs. He complained “Okay, okay~, cut that shit out! God damn~, what’s your problem?!”

“I’m pissed, cause ya don’t even fuckin remember me, bastard! Damn it! If I could just figure out how the hell ta use this shitty bird-body! Grah!” After reaching the pinnacle of frustration, Sarah transformed into a pitch-black, icy mist and forcefully entered into his mouth.

He grumbled “Jesus, ya could’ve at least asked first, Cunt! Anyway~, there might be a ‘slight’ zombie-ish problem, but as long as those douchebags leave… wouldn’t this ‘ship’ become mine? Ah, there’s just one slight problem… I’m starting to feel really nauseous; I’m ninety-nine point nine percent sure that I’ve got sea-sickness. Course, there’s also a fifty-percent chance that the weird shadow-raven hallucination could have something to do with it. Otherwise, I’m also pretty certain that I have a concussion and my right eardrum is ruptured. I wish this super-OP healing ability was more… well, powerful.”

Reaching down onto the floor, he picked up that smart-phone again and muttered “Aren’t there any games on this thing? Hehehe~, never mind, I haven’t masturbated in at least… a while. Hmmm~, but should I read hentai manga or watch regular hardcore bondage porn?”

“Is sex all ya ever think about? Even if it is, ya could at least fuck me, instead’ve yer hand!” The large obsidian bird reappeared on his left shoulder.

Hearing that and looking over at the squawking raven, he shrugged and finally managed to grab the strange creature with his right hand. He started watching a video of a pale-skinned woman having her genitals pierced with needles, and bit his lip.

Taking his erection out of the black boxers, he muttered “What happens in Atlantis, stays in Atlantis…”