“The Eternal Dao of Eros is the path of desire. It is among the most powerful and primal forces in existence… However, it is very easy to fall into depravity. This cultivation method is incredibly dangerous but fairly simple. Now, you shall entertain me, little serpent…”

When I opened my eyes, I could still hear that strange faceless woman’s voice reverberating in my head. I was staring at a bright-blue sky, with a few white and fluffy clouds floating by. There were birds squawking and cawing all around me. Literally, the little bastards were pecking at my face and chest, shitting all over the place.

I tried to stand up or at least wave them away, but it felt like my entire body was suffering from poor blood circulation. There was that awful tingling sensation on pretty much every single piece of flesh that was attached to my central nervous system.

I’m not sure if they were crows or ravens, but those black birds were really vicious bastards. One of them was trying to rip my dick off and there were two that even wanted to eat my nipples. I finally took a deep breath and then yelled “Fuck off! I ain’t into bestiality! Okay, I might like watching other people have sex with animals, but it’s not something that I’ve ever wanted to personally experience!”

They didn’t give a shit. Actually, those little assholes seemed to be even feistier after I tried to scare them away. Maybe they were masochists? Then again, they were probably sadists, based on the way they kept chewing on my scrotum.

When I gained a bit of mobility in my neck, I turned my head to look around. I was in a cornfield, though the spot I was in had been ‘cleared’ away. It looked like it was crushed down and flattened, rather than being cut or burned.

It took a few minutes before I was able to lift my scrawny arms and swat away the annoying birds. Once they realized that I could move, they finally flew away… I was still filthy though.

“You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me! Ugh, I better not be a Hobbit or Goblin!” My skin was pasty and white, but my muscle mass was really low. It looked like I was either a Human child or maybe some kind of Elf? Those were the two least depressing possibilities that I could think of at that moment.

My stomach made some ‘gurgling’ noises, as I struggled to stand upright. It kind of felt like I was starving to death, not that I’ve ever starved to death before then… Well, not that I can remember. That mysterious Goddess of Nudism and Cryptic Messages seemed to think I wasn’t just some random twenty-year old virgin.

After wandering aimlessly through the maze of ‘maize’, I eventually ended up back at that same clearing again. With what little energy I had left, I sat down cross-legged. Obviously, there had to be a small ear of corn right there! I’m not sure if it was fortune or not, but no, I didn’t get anally penetrated. However, it still hurt like a bitch and my left asscheek was definitely bruised.

“Ow~! Donkey-sausage! Ah~, oh wait! I’m in a motherfucking cornfield! There’s food everywhere!” Thus, I stood up again and looked for some ears that weren’t covered in crowshit or crushed.

As I bit down into the juicy kernels, I honestly had a tastegasm. I have no idea how long I was dead for, or why my ‘new’ body was so hungry, but the pain in my head was starting to subside pretty rapidly. By the time I ate my fourth ear of corn, I managed to quench my thirst as well.

“Shit, now what do I do? Just keep walking around until I collapse or what? This field could be a hundred acres for all I know… Hell, I’ve got no clue what kinda planet this is either! Maybe I’m not really weak, the gravity could just be higher than Earth… Or it could be the other way around. Hmm~…” I started jumping randomly and decided that the gravity seemed ‘normal’ enough.

“Hello~, who’s there~?!” Since I was making so much noise and it ‘was’ the middle of the day, it wasn’t that strange that someone actually heard me.

I shouted “Oh hey! Umm, I’m kinda lost! Do you mind helping me escape this cornfield?!” Even if I was a bit antisocial in my previous life, it’s not like I was deathly afraid of interacting with people.

After a few seconds, I saw an old man with a bald head and a long white beard. From his facial appearance alone, I guessed that he had to be at least seventy, maybe eighty. However, that was judging by the logic of my last world. He wasn’t wearing a shirt, so I could see his ridiculously muscular upper-body. His pants looked like tattered grey rags, while he didn’t even bother using shoes.

He scanned my small and scrawny naked body for a moment, before frowning deeply and playing with his moustache. Then he asked “Why the hell are you in my field, ya little brat?”

“How the fuck would I know? I just woke up here! Ow~!” Almost immediately after I finished talking, he smacked the top of my head and I fell face-first into the dirt. When I pushed myself up and glared at him, he kicked me in the chest with his disgusting, gnarly feet. I flew a few meters backwards and rolled across the ground, before struggling to stand.

That random old guy grumbled “Watch your language, ya shithead! Ain’t yer mother never taught ya no manners?”

“If this goddamn scratch on my chest gets infected and I die, I swear that I will rip your ghost a new asshole! Ew, ew~! There’s shit in it! Fuck! I’m gonna get tetanus! The moment I get to this world, I get tetanus and die!” There was a huge bloody gash from my upper-abdomen on the right side, to my left shoulder. Honestly, it was so gross that I wasn’t even wondering how such a light ‘kick’ could deal so much damage.

“Calm down ya scrawny bastard! Damn, I really sliced ya up pretty bad… Alright, come with me and stop yer yappin! Don’t be usin any uh that foul language round me no more, or I’ll slap ya upside yer head! What’s yer name Kid? I’m Long Di, but you should just call me Grandpa Di.” Without giving me much of a choice, he walked over, grabbed my right shoulder and started dragging me through the cornfield. His speed seemed abnormally fast, considering that he wasn’t running at all.

After a few seconds, I could see a large farmhouse, with a few red barns. There were cows grazing in the fields, without even a fence to keep them from wandering off. Horses casually trotted around, but didn’t run away. The chickens were so free-range, that they didn’t even seem to be domesticated.

Before I knew it, that Di dude had already brought me inside his home and thrown me into a bathroom. He growled “Wash yourself off, ya dirty brat! Don’t be gettin no shit all over my floor! I’ll get ya some clothes and a healin balm for the tiny scratch on yer chest…”

I was actually kinda surprised that the place had indoor plumbing and electricity, but then again, neither of those things are particularly amazing. That gash was gushing out a decent amount of blood, but it wasn’t a mortal wound or anything that dramatic. By the time I finished cleaning the dirt, maneur and birdshit from my body, then dried myself off, that old man entered the bathroom and tossed some clothes at me.

There was a pair of black boxers, brown pants and a white undershirt. All of it was cotton and fairly comfortable on my skin. However, before I put the shirt on, he wiped some slimy white cream across my chest and asked “Do ya got a name or do ya wanna be called Scrawny Little Bastard for the rest of yer life? Why’re ya so damn weak anyway? Let me see yer hand!”

When he grabbed my left wrist, I felt a burning sensation on the back of my hand and a weird symbol appeared. It looked like an ‘X’ with a ‘U’ hangin off the side. I frowned, muttering “I’m Levi Ares, reincarnated Eternal Deity of… something important, maybe? I don’t really know, I just remember that before I came here, I met with some crazy overpower Mega-Goddess and she told me a bunch of weird nonsense. Then I ended up in your cornfield and crows were trying to murder me. Oh yeah, and some asshole kicked me in the chest for no apparent reason!”

Of course, after saying that last bit, the Long Dickhead really did smack me across the right side of my face. He yelled “Ya stupid brat! Even if ya are some kinda reincarnated Immortal or Deity, don’t just go telling every random person ya meet that kinda shit! Are ya tryin ta get yourself killed?! Damn, yer already nine years old and ya don’t even have an once uh Qi in yer whole body!”

I sighed dramatically, pulling my hand out of his grasp and complained “Okay, well I don’t even really know what Qi is, so what the hell do you expect? I just arrived in this world today!”

“Bullshit! Listen brat, even if somebody did cripple yer cultivation, ya shouldn’t make up such crazy lies… No, ya really do seem ta believe what yer sayin. Hmmm, screw it, come with me. Regardless of whether yer reincarnated or a delusional cripple, it ain’t my place ta judge…” As I followed him through the house, I noticed that there wasn’t much furniture. It also seemed like he was living alone in a fairly big home.

As I glanced around, we eventually winded up in the kitchen. He forced me to sit in one of the simple wooden chairs, while he walked over to the reflective metal refrigerator and pulled out a glass pitcher of tea. I hadn’t seen any ‘plastic’ yet and there definitely weren’t any televisions, computers or even a microwave. However, that only meant that some random old guy in the middle of nowhere, living by himself, didn’t have those things. Hell, even my grandparents never had a microwave. They thought that it caused cancer or maybe they just preferred cooking the old fashioned way?

“So, ‘Grandpa’ Di… Assume that this is really my first day on this planet. What do I need to know to survive here? Just give me some simple, basic information… No need for a massive info-dump.” He took out two glasses, filled each of them with iced tea, handed me one and then sat down across the table.

After taking a sip, he frowned, then shook his head. It took a few minutes, before he finally started talking… but yeah, it was a lot. Like, the amount of random nonsense that old man knew was pretty ridiculous.

 

Next!