“Welp, I’ve officially lost my re-virginity to a goddamn hallucination of an angry talking crow…” The moment that he ‘finished’ using Sarah’s bird-like body to satisfy himself, she transformed into a black mist and entered into his lungs. Thus, he was fairly certain that everything he had just experienced was nothing but an illusion brought forth by extreme desperation and loneliness.

Michael muttered “Now that I’m thoroughly de-hornified and completely refreshed, I guess it’s finally time to go on this ridiculous suicide mission, hehehe~. The only problem is that ‘Evil Asshole’ will probably put the ship on self-destruct or maybe bomb the shit outta it after they get far enough away on their… whatever they’re planning to use to escape.”

“Just kill the fuckers! I was dickin around with some Necromancy and made all those things out there ta wipe out the bastards that were tryin ta control us, ya know?” That familiar and vulgar voice filled his mind as he stared at the cell phone in his hand.

He grumbled “If you made em, can’t you tell em ta stop tryin ta murder me? Besides that, I highly doubt that Admiral Cuntbag will just let me waltz into his secret command-center place. Assuming that I can get inside… I doubt that my super-healing is powerful enough to keep me from dying if I get shot a bunch of times. Hell, they might have incendiary or explosive ammo, though that seems really dangerous to keep on a submarine, but who the fuck knows?”

Sarah snickered, “Ah, I kinda forgot ta kick their souls out, so I can’t really control em anymore… Anyway, stop be-in such a pussy and just kill those sneaky bitches! The zombies and shit aren’t that strong, so ya shouldn’t have a problem as long as ya don’t go into that big-ass dome place; if ya go there, ya might actually die.”

As he glanced around at the ceiling, Michael murmured “If only there was some sort of air-duct like they always use in movies… Or like, those ridiculously large tunnels that spaceships usually have in T.V. shows. Hell, I’d settle for some magical teleportation abilities, but that’s a lot more unrealistic.”

“Dafuck are you sayin? You’re always ‘Astral Leaping’ all over the place… Can’t ya just do that?” An ebony raven appeared on his left shoulder and furiously pecked at his face a few times, while waiting for an answer.

He grabbed the bird by the neck and yelled “Goddamn it! I’m trying to heal here! If you don’t cut that nonsense out, I’m gonna shove my dick into your tiny cunt until you disappear again!”

“Alright~! I’ll stop! I like it rough, but that bullshit didn’t even feel good!” Sarah struggled to squirm out of his hand and flapped her wings a few times, flying onto his right shoulder.

Michael laughed hysterically, as he said “Well, it’s not besiality since you aren’t even a real animal, right? So~, assuming that you are ‘real’ and I’m not just losing my mind, doesn’t that mean you’re the cute goblin-girl from my weird dream?”

She sighed, “What ‘dream’? Why the fuck are ya still in denial? You’re Mike, the crazy-ass bastard who fell in love with me, even after I literally murdered you… twice! I’ve got no clue where the hell we are, but as long as the two of us are together, hehehe~… For whatever reason, you’re stuck in that shitty human body and I’m a motherfuckin birdy, so we’re pretty weak right now; but, if we massacre enough people, I’m sure we’ll manage to regain our strength!”

“Seriously, this ain’t a video-game… Ya can’t just kill people and get experience points! I mean, are there even levels in this world? Well, it might be possible to like, improve muscle-fibers and if magic exists, then I probably have no idea what the real ‘rules’ are… For now, I need to not die as much as possible; maybe if I hardcore workout, I’ll be able to use my super-healing to become more powerful? Until then, I’m just gonna shoot people the old fashioned way.” He reached down and grabbed the belts off of the floor, put the cellphone away and then wrapped one around his waist; the smaller one could be adjusted until it was just barely able to fit him, but the bigger belt was obviously designed for someone with a lot more ‘girth’.

It was painful, but since he was totally out of ammo for the AK-105, he decided to leave it behind. It would have been different if there were a ton of spare magazines laying around the base, but none of the monsters had weapons or clothing on them.

Michael checked both of the pistols to see if the magazines were full, and removed as much water as possible. Then he put them into their holsters, grabbed the M4 carbine off of the shelf, placing the strap around his shoulder and neck.

He stared at the steel door and listened to the shrill voices screaming “Mine~! He’s mine~! Must eat~! Get strong! Mine~! My food~!” along with the constant thumping or metallic pings.

“Ugh, this is gonna suck…” While he was hesitating, the irritated raven transformed into a chilling fog, which somehow entered inside of his earhole.

Feeling a terrible pain in the right side of his head, pitch-black veins appeared on his face, extending from his eye. The sclera turned purple, while the iris became bright-blue; not only that, but his jaw started to feel incredibly sore. After a few moments of agonizing torment, he walked over to the sink and spat out a few rotting teeth.

“For fuck’s sake Sarah! What the hell are you doing to me?!” Dark-red blood poured out of his mouth, as he watched long vampiric fangs growing in the place of his old canines. The incisors and molars that appeared were pure-white; they also seemed to be created in order to be perfectly straight and once the aching sensation faded, he yelled “Holy shit! That’s actually really awesome… I wish I could do this back when I got braces though; could’ve saved a lot of money and spared me from that torture!”

He turned the sink on, washed his hands with soap briefly, before using a disposable paper cup to rinse his mouth out with cold water. Afterwards, he grinned and muttered “Any other tricks up your nonexistent sleeves? Hmmm, maybe a magical razor so that I can shave my beard off?”

A pitch-black skull tattoo abruptly appeared on his right palm; he suddenly felt the blood in his forearm become extremely cold, as if the heat was being drained from his body. Michael groaned, closing his eyes momentarily, and when he opened them, there was a pair of obsidian scissors in his grasp.

The marking on his hand had vanished as well, but he didn’t even find it strange, considering all the other weird nonsense that was happening lately. “Umm, okay then~, I guess this is better than nothing? What the fuck? Holy cuntmonkeys! It can change into different shapes?! Isn’t this a little too OP? I mean, I’ll basically never need to buy another kitchen utensil again…”

Sarah complained “It’s a motherfucking Legendary weapon you asshole! It’s supposed ta be used for assassinations and shit like that! Ugh, just hurry up and get rid of that nasty fur on your face! I can feel that too, ya know? Get rid of all that itchy dick and ass hair too!”

Michael smirked, murmuring “Well, I’d shave my whole body if I had the time, though it’d be hard to reach my back…” as he began the delicate procedure of using a straight-razor to shave his left cheek. However, the instant he touched incredibly sharp blade against his throat, the ground rumbled and crimson blood started spraying all over the mirror.

He shouted “Ow~, you have to be fucking kidding me!” Then, he flew off of the ground and smacked into the back wall, before falling down towards the steel door. He pulled the ‘Legendary weapon’ out of his neck and sucked it back into his palm unconsciously.

His blood was pooling beneath him, as he struggled to push himself off of the metallic surface. The fold-out chair made a clanking noise, as he smacked into his M4 and random objects flew off of the shelves.

Bleach poured all over him, as he yelled “No-no-no-no-shit!” and a huge bottle of window-cleaner smacked into the red button, which immediately opened the door. A broom and mop flew past him, as he was falling straight down the incredibly long hallway.

He quickly crashed into a roaring panda-zombie, pulling out his combat knife and instinctively stabbing it in the face three times. Then he kicked off of its chest and grabbed a random steel pipe with his left hand; unfortunately, the blood acted as a lubricant and prevented him from being able to hold on for more than an instant, before he continued his journey downward.

Michael screamed “What the fucking fuck is going on god damn it~?!” when his knee ‘bumped’ into one of the sprinklers, and he started rolling across the ceiling. A dark-green alligator managed to latch onto his left arm, while a rotting white tiger chomped down onto his right ankle.

“Shit! Mike, these bastards are tryin ta steal your mana!” Sarah took control over his body for a moment, stabbing the knife into that alligator’s skull and easily orienting ‘herself’. Unlike the clumsy man, her acrobatic and balancing abilities were far superior; although, she did grumble “Grah~! How can you stand ta be this heavy?!”

His left iris turned crimson and he suddenly flexed his left forearm, grabbing the upper jaw with his right hand and removing the irritating creature. Michael’s right eye was still blue and purple, but he had regained control over his own body.

The ship wasn’t totally leveled out yet, but the incline wasn’t too steep for him to stand on the ceiling. Then he swiftly unholstered the fifty-caliber pistol on his right hip and fired three rounds through the zombified tiger’s head; even after that, he still had to put the gun away and pry the beast’s jaws off of his calf.

“Mine~! He’s mine~!” Unfortunately, it didn’t take long for a group of five naked ghoulish vampires to get up off of the ‘ground’ and start charging towards him. Their scarlet eyes were glowing brightly, as their flabby breasts and stomachs bounced around: They were men.