Chapter 34: One of Those Days

“Honestly though, is the world really ‘ending’? From what I can see, while a few billion people and countless animals have died, it’s not like there aren’t new ones being born. In fact, according to this random blog I just found, it seems like there are all kinds of new ecosystems and biomes being created. Lots of the humans that were infected have gone crazy, but there are still plenty of them that just got weird and totally useless superpowers. Like this pornstar… who grew a second penis.” Michael was staring at ‘his’ smart-phone and obnoxiously talking to himself, when the door suddenly opened. The moment that he saw that ‘person’, he yelled “Oh my god!”

That ‘woman’ immediately shouted “You’re awake!? Wait, you’re awake! Ah, do-don’t be scared, okay?! I’m not a monster! Please don’t freak out!”

However, contrary to her expectations, he smiled and said “Nice ta meet ya, my name’s Mike… I heard you and your father talking earlier, so I’m assuming that you’re named Linda, right?” He didn’t even seem to be fazed by the fact that the chubby, dark-skinned girl was five feet tall, had goat-like legs, a short, fluffy black tail, gigantic breasts, and yellow eyes with triangular pupils. Her ears were floppy and covered with fur, while two small horns were poking out of the short brown hair on her head.

Michael didn’t find her face to be particularly ugly or beautiful, simply above average by ‘normal’ human standards. His initial shock was merely because he wasn’t expecting someone to enter the room so abruptly. Her outfit was essentially just a pair of jean shorts and a blue and white flannel shirt.

She stared at him wordlessly for a whole minute, before asking “Umm, how ya feeling? I found ya knocked out in the woods about a month ago… Yer legs en ribs were really busted up bad, but I was amazed at how fast you been heal-in. Is that yer, erm, ‘power’?”

“Hehehe~, well, you could say that, I guess? Hmm, but if you found me a month ago, does that mean that I was laying out in the wilderness for a few weeks? Wait a minute…” As he muttered in reply, he continued scanning through recent events on his phone. Then he squinted and sighed dramatically, complaining “Seriously, I should’ve figured as much.”

There were dozens of videos and images of a mysterious and beautiful ‘elf’ or ‘fairy’ who appeared right before a great calamity would occur. Entire blogs and websites were devoted to her; some claimed that she was an angel, others thought she was the devil, then there were plenty who believed she was an alien.

It took Linda a little while to realize, but then she blurted out “Where’d ya find that phone from?!” When she found him, he was totally naked and covered in horrible injuries, and she knew for certain that no one else in the house had a cell-phone that looked like the one in his hand.

Without thinking about it, Michael sent it back into his inventory, and shrugged. “Ah, I’m pretty sure it’s just magic or whatever? So anyway, thanks for taking care of me… I’m not really sure what you were expecting me to do in return though?”

“N-no, course I didn’t! It’s jus human nature ta help each other out… Umm, d’ya mean like, a magic ‘trick’ or some kinda witchcraft?” As she slowly approached the bed, her hooves made clopping noises.

He snickered, retorting “Nah~, people are generally greedy, selfish, assholes who’ll usually stab you in the back with the knife that you give them for protection… I’m not a people though, so you don’t really need to worry about me fucking you over.”

Linda giggled while holding her right palm over her mouth and eventually sat down on the leather sofa-chair that was to the left of his bed. “I’ve wanted ta ask ya this fer a while now, but… Didn’t we go ta Highschool together? Michael Cinagra, right?”

Her question was immediately answered with a smirk, followed by a slight nod. Then she asked “How’d ya end up in Kansas”

“Well, I got some magical shoes from a bitch I murdered, met a wizard and tapped my heels together seven times… I actually have no fuckin clue; the last thing I remember, I was out in the Atlantic somewhere.” Michael snickered and struggled to sit upright against the pillows and wooden headboard. It wasn’t until then that he realized “Holy shitballs, I grew taller?” His current height and general size was almost exactly the same as his ‘Nephilim’ form: six feet tall and at least three-hundred pounds, with considerable muscle-mass.

She frowned, “The ocean? How in the hell d’ya end up out there? I heard on the news that the Atlantic and Pacific were both really bad right now… Well, I guess ya probly got outta there before that ‘sickness’ spread. As fer yer crazy growth-spurt, I figured it was jus cause uh yer ‘power’. I mean, everybody who gets infected either goes nuts, mutates, gets weird superhuman abilities or all uh the above.”

He snickered, looking out the window and asking “If I’ve been unconscious for a month, does that mean I haven’t eaten anything the whole time? Maybe that’s why I’m so damn hungry…”

“Nah, even though ya were sleep-in, you’d pretty much eat anything I put near yer mouth. I nearly lost my finger a week ago… Anyway, this here farm-in town’s become a refuge for those of us who’re still ‘mostly’ sane. At the begin-in we lost a lot uh good guys an gals ta the plagues, pestilence, bandits, you name it… Then around the time I found ya out there in the woods, things seemed ta settle down a bit. I ain’t say-in it was cause uh ‘you’, but it was a weird coinki-dink, dun-cha think? I was kinda hope-in ya had some sorta magical powers that can protect us…” There was a cheerful smile on the relatively small goat-woman’s face, as she stared into Michael’s dark-brown eyes.

However, after a few seconds of hysterical laughter, he revealed “Um, yeah, about that… Pretty much every time I came into contact with zombies or monsters, they all went insane-er and stopped whatever they were doing to specifically try to eat me. So I’d say, no, it’s very unlikely that I’m the reason they fucked off… Of course, that was only like, two times. Maybe things have changed?”

She sighed, crossing her arms in front of her ample bosom, accidentally revealing a bit of pink from her tanned cleavage. It was at that moment when Michael yelled “Ah! You, you’re Linday! Linda Day! I didn’t recognize you cause it’s been like seven years and I have the memory of a goldfish, but I totally remember that nipple!”

Hearing that, she blushed and quickly shoved her breast back into her shirt, muttering “Ya could’ve been a little more subtle bout it…”

“Back in highschool I sent you a picture of my dick and convinced you to send me some nudes… Well, thinking back to it though, it was all pretty childish. I never even got to see your asshole or a close-up of your spread pussy. It was just like, a few tit-pics and your fluffy brown bush…” As he spoke, she groaned and covered her face with her hands.

Linda complained “Why’d ya hafta remember that embarrassing stuff? Sides, were ya always this vulgar?”

Michael snickered, “Meh~, I ran out of fucks to give a long~ time ago, hehehe~. Anyway, I doubt that these clothes magically appeared on my body. So~, you’ve definitely seen me naked loads of times now… Actually, now that I think about it, doesn’t this mean you’ve given me baths and all that nonsense? Did you do it sponge-style or just dump my unconscious ass into a tub and fill it with soapy water? Wait, more importantly, did I shit myself when I was comatose?”

“No! I wanted ta ask ya bout that! You’ve been eaten so much, but ya never had ta crap, not once! But ya did… umm, ya know, piss lots uh times… It ain’t like we had a catheter lay-in around either…” Her chubby cheeks were bright red, which confused the incredibly insensitive man.

He asked “Wait, why are you so embarrassed? I mean, it was my body that got molested, right?”

She glared at him and shouted “When’d I say that?! I was jus nursin ya back ta health! It ain’t my fault ya got a hard-on every time I touched ya! Ain’t it more like ‘you’ were the one molest-in me?!”

Michael smirked, “Calm down~, it ain’t such a big deal. Hmmm~, I’m seriously starving… and that tomato sauce smells delicious. Who’s cookin anyway? Also, is it spaghetti, lasagna, shells, curly-noodles, linguini, angel hair, chicken cacciatore, or what?”

16 thoughts on “Chapter 34: One of Those Days

  1. “Entire blogs and websites were devoted to her; some claimed that she was an angel, others thought she was the devil, then there were plenty who believed she was an alien.”

    It’s pretty amusing, because depending on which point of view you’re looking at either of these could be correct. As she herself stated, (and I’m going to paraphrase here because I can’t be bothered to spare a few clicks and scrolls to find it) “one story’s protagonist could be another’s antagonist”

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Rather than pointing out the loopholes in earth, I just kinda meant I enjoy finding loophole’s in whatever game Arcana has created at the time. I was kind of thinking that if Mike were to actually fuck anything else and Luke would be there to yell “There it is! Earth wins!” Arcana would actually be flippant enough to be like, “Well Damn, you did win” and then just be like, “Mike you’re going to this planet now.”

    Of course, you brought up a great point and blown a hole in my prediction that Vampiric Mouse Bear Girl would save the world. Then again, I’ve been purposefully putting forward this theory ignoring the foreshadowing in the last bits of HCOP which…

    Also, you make a great point at the end there, can a narrator of 3rd person omniscient story lie? I don’t think that’s possible, because then instead of telling a lie, it would still just be telling the story which no one could contradict (unless of course a character then spoke the “truth” but would that make the character a liar?) I’ve gotta try that out sometime.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Lmfao, yeah, it’d be kinda confusing if the omniscient narrator lied 😛 One of the things that people never really seemed to understand about Immortal Soul, back when I was writing it, was that characters can lie. A lot of times people would point out ‘plot holes’, but since the story is almost entirely in 1st person pov and switches perspectives, those ‘plot holes’ were actually just the different perspectives. The different characters all experienced things differently… but I think that a lot of people were used to 3rd person omniscient stories, so they just didn’t really understand. Actually, I think that a lot of them probably didn’t speak English as their first language. Idk, maybe it’s kinda like how when I read these translated webnovels, I see sooo~ many things that are horribly wrong with them. I mean, I’m not totally sure that they have past, present, and future tense or 1st/3rd person perspective. A lot of the rules that English writers need to follow, just don’t exist in the other languages, so when they get translated, it makes no sense roflmao.

      A good example of something that really bothers me is in stories like WDQK. Almost every time there’s dialogue, it’ll be like:

      “It seems that you’re not simple at all!”

      Xian Xiao thought that Cao Tian was going to be simple. Never would Xian Xiao have expected that Cao Tian was going to be so not simple! But is Cao Tian really that not simple? No, Cao Tian was incredibly ordinary. Cao Tian was merely a young master from an ordinary ancient family of dragon masters. Never did Xian Xiao expect Cao Tian to have found the ‘Mysterious Magical Box of OP-ness” in the Ancient Caverns of Hardcore Dragon Masters. After fighting nonstop for twenty seven hours, Xian Xiao sighed deeply in his heart and said.

      Okay, I feel like I totally forgot my original purpose for starting that parody… My point was just that, they almost always have dialogue, then after that, they’ll have some outrageous and unbearably long explanation of what’s happening… They almost never use pronouns, and then at the very fucking end of the 500 word paragraph, it’ll tell you that they ‘said’ something. However, in a ‘normal’ story, as far as I’m concerned, you would write it in chronological order. Said would be right before the dialogue and then there might be a short and concise explanation of what happened, if it’s even necessary at all. Ugh, I need to go to sleep, I’m starting to rant about things again lol.


  3. Well, when Linda says to him “Wasn’t it like you were molesting me?” and (for the sake of the argument let us assume that) he is convinced that any actions that Linda took against him were actually not only consensual but actions of his rather than hers, wouldn’t that mean that retroactively that “rape” would become consensual and goat girl might have save the world?

    Anyway, I try way too hard to find loopholes in the rules of your game worlds.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Well, it isn’t really a game world though rofl. It’s his original world… Although, since games are derived from our reality, every world could be considered a game world… Anyway, you shouldn’t trust everything that Arcana says to be facts :P. Characters can lie, and do lie, but the narrator of a 3rd person omniscient pretty much never does.


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