“Sorry bout that Kid! But it took forever ta find someone dumb enough ta work for an ear uh corn a day!” That was the first thing that Di said, when he returned thirty minutes after that creepy Necromancer left. Behind the giant shirtless old man was a tall and scrawny dude, who seemed to be in his forties.
“Hahahaha~, I almost hired a couple cuties, but was afraid ya might end up screwin em when I wasn’t around! I made sure ta find an especially ugly guy, just in case…” That person was merely a low-level Novice, with physical strength that was way below average. His left leg was missing and he had a wooden peg, while there were horrible burn scars all over his face. He wore a white linen changpao with black pants underneath.
The man bowed to me and walked over behind the front desk. Even with glasses on, he seemed to always be squinting. As for his hair, it was pure white and tied behind his head in a ponytail. I didn’t really think he looked particularly hideous, but since he wasn’t a feminine Elven ladyboy, there’s no way I would have been interested in having sex with him.
I snickered, looked up at the smiling old man and bluntly told him “Your older brother Long Liu stopped by. He’s about to die, so he said that he was going to go lock his grimoire and his own corpse into the suspicious as fuck Spirit Vault. Oh and he-”
“What?! Shit! That crazy bastard! Sorry Kid, I gotta go! Watch over the shop while I’m gone!” After screaming like a lunatic, he charged out of the room and slammed the door behind himself. I didn’t even get to mention the weird Shadow Dragon Egg.
After a few minutes of silence, I turned towards that random guy who was organizing all those messy files and asked “So um, what’s your name?”
He squinted at me for a couple seconds and faintly whispered “People just call me Joe.” Then he went back to work and ignored my presence.
“Okay then~, now I guess I need to do Shaman stuff… Fuck my life.” Yep, I had no clue what I was supposed to do. The old man threw the responsibility of running a pseudo-medical clinic onto my shoulders and abandoned me. He could have at least showed me some magical procedures or something.
Fortunately, business was terribad. I had plenty of time to go into ‘my’ office and search through the random shit that was laying around. Seriously, there were so many weird things that did not look even remotely medical in nature. I found a lute and a ukelele, along with a small harp and some other odd instruments. Oh, yeah, a goddamn xylophone! Some golden wind chimes that didn’t make noise no matter how much they smacked into each other. There was a whole drawer filled with dreamcatchers. Human and Beast bones that had symbols carved into them. A shrunken head in a glass jar… No wait, that was just a normal baby head.
I don’t even know how many boxes of mummified kittens and puppies I discovered. Most of the carcasses had magical seals placed on them. There was a single jug which had a large dead centipede trapped inside. Did I mention that a lot of those mysterious books were definitely cursed? One of them had childrens stories in it, like fairy tales. The pages were made out of the tanned faces of murdered children.
Moral of the story was that Shamanism was a lot like Necromancy and Witch Doctor voodoo bullshit! I grumbled “Nope, this is definitely not for me!” The worst part was that I couldn’t open the extradimensional chests where all the really hardcore nonsense was locked away.
Right when I was about to leave the office, the inky black door slowly opened and a beautiful woman walked inside. She had long black hair, her height was about six feet, she seemed like she was in amazing shape and her skin tone was dark-brown; although she still seemed really ‘Asian’. I mean, that’s a pretty vague way to describe appearances. Going by my original world’s standards, she would have probably been from Indonesia. Of course, it was hard to tell, since she could have gotten a tan or had some kind of special training technique that made her darker than average.
Either way, she was definitely gorgeous at first glance. There was an extremely pained expression on her face as she swept her gaze around the room. Her irises glowed dark-orange, while the symbols on her left and right hands indicated that she was sixty-seven years old and level-five. Judging from her aura, I guessed Adept, rather than Apprentice.
There was a golden circlet around her head and she wore a really fancy-looking silk robe. It was a bunch of shades of purple and had plenty of layers. Only her arms and a bit of her upper chest were revealed, though I was easily able to make out her contours: Small breasts, bubblebutt, nice abs, triceps and biceps were lithe yet ripped.
As for her facial features, they were great. She didn’t even need makeup to look amazing… “What the fucking fuck?! Stop! No, don’t move! Oh my God, is that like, your special Cultivation Method or something?! How can you stand that?! It’s making my balls hurt just looking at it!”
The woman suddenly got down on the ground and kowtowed to me, shouting “Please! Great and Gentle Di! You must help me!”
“Do I look like a three-hundred and eighty year old man to you?! Ugh, come on, get off the floor and sit down!” I didn’t touch her, but I pointed towards the leather chair at the center of the room. It was brown and had white symbols painted all over it, so I figured it was probably made to ward off evil Spirits or something like that.
She immediately got up and bowed a few times and thanked me profusely. Then she sat down onto the recliner and absolutely nothing happened. After she calmed down a bit, she explained “You see, a few months ago, I uncovered an ancient tomb. It belonged to a Master known as ‘Zhang Lang’. There weren’t many traps or treasures, but I did manage to find this…” She reached into the blue purse tied to her waist and pulled out a red jade trinket. I cringed when I saw that item, but waited for her to continue her story. “I quickly discovered that there was an enormous amount of Fire Elemental Qi trapped inside. Since I mainly focus on Fire Elemental Daoist Arts, I began using it in battle! However, I quickly noticed a strange itchy sensation every now and then. I would occasionally have sores appear in unpleasant places as well… It is embarrassing, but if it will assist you in curing me, I shall show you the most tender areas.”
Before I could say anything, she already started taking her clothes off. At that moment, I realized what it was like to be a doctor. Sure, I’ve seen some disgusting things on the internet, but at least I couldn’t smell it! I yelled “Holy mother of fuck! Nope, so~ much nope! Lady, be thankful that you aren’t seeing what I’m seeing right now! Oh my God, wait, stop, don’t touch it!”
She frowned, complaining “You’re being awfully unprofessional… I have a serious medical issue. There’s no reason for you to shout at me!”
“No, there definitely is! You… Do you see that magical totem in your right hand? Yeah, there’s literally a nest of those bastards inside of your vagina! Not only there either… I can see hundreds of glowing red cockroaches crawling all over your body and face!” Yup, that was my first official job as a Shaman. Trying to exterminate almost a thousand Rank-G Scarlet Cockroach Spirits!
At first, I looked around for some magical bug spray or bleach, but once I calmed down a bit, I knew what had to be done. I took the stupid cursed piece of garbage from the woman and said “Consider this hellish thing the price for my services… Now, this is going to be a little awkward, but don’t freak out.”
The sofa chair was able to totally recline into a bed and even had a mechanism that raised it higher off the ground. I was short enough that I didn’t need to do that though. Anyway, as she was laying there nervously and wincing in pain, I began the procedure.
I whispered “Xiaotong, I’m gonna need your help with this…” She was crying pretty loudly in my mind, but still allowed me to use her crimson lightning. Of course, it wasn’t a ranged attack, so I had to use my hands to do everything.
At the beginning, I was just grabbing and zapping the cockroaches that were crawling or trying to dig into that lady’s face. She was an Adept and they were really weak Rank-G Spirits. No matter how hard they tried, the most they could do is cause some discomfort.
Every now and then, I would accidentally zap the woman’s skin, but it only ticked her a bit. After her head was totally free of the disgusting critters, I moved down to her neck. Then it was the shoulders and arms. When I reached her chest and pinched her nipples, she yelped and asked “Is that really necessary?!”
I grumbled “It ain’t like I wanna do this! You can’t see it, but there’s glowing red cockroach guts all over my fingers and it burns like hell! Besides, it’s only gonna get worse from here…”