The pale and hairy nudist started laughing hysterically, then yelled “Thanks a fuckin lot! I’ve always wanted to bludgeon someone to death with a giant crystal dick!”

“Three, two, one… Begin.” After the mechanical announcement, the cages were yanked up into the sky again. Those two seemingly lethargic old men, used all of their strength to get up off the ground and start sprinting towards their enemies. Both of them were unarmed and weak, but they weren’t mindless fools.

The hunchback reached down and picked up some sand, before tossing it towards Michael’s face. Of course, he saw what the elderly man was doing and simply moved out of the way. Then he grabbed the crystal physalis by the base with both hands and swung it like a baseball bat, cracking open the skull of the other man. His left eye actually flew out of his head, while pieces of his orbital bone were sent into his brain.

After the first one was dead, Michael casually walked over to the growling hunchback and shoved the bloody dildo into his toothless mouth. The nudist cackled as he kicked in the old man’s right knee, forcing him onto the ground. Then he yelled “Eat my giant crystal dick, you nasty piece of shit!”

Matt gagged and would have puked, if it wasn’t for the fact that his stomach was totally empty and even his bile was scarce. He asked “Is that really necessary?! Oh my God! Stop! He’s dead! He’s already dead!”

Michael snickered, then left the whole dildo shoved down the old man’s throat as he turned around and walked away. After a few seconds, each of the corpses released a single glowing wisp, which flew over to Matt’s left hand.

“Anyway~, if crystal dildos are the best you can do, I don’t really need a weapon. These zombies are pretty pathetic.” The nudist only made it a few steps, before both of them once again appeared within a rusty cage. This time however, their opponent wasn’t human at all.

“Oh God damn it. You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me. How did it go from two scrawny old men to a grizzly bear?!” Michael grumbled, as he noticed that the giant crystal dildo was plunged into the sand next to him.

“Maybe we should quit?” Matt trembled as he imagined being torn apart by the ferocious beast. However, his cowardice irritated his summoned ‘Creature’.

“Don’t be such a pussy! It’s just a bear! To be completely honest, I’ve always wondered what it would be like to fight a bear. If I had literally any kind of decent weapon or some armor, I wouldn’t even be worried. But I’m not sure if I can kill a bear with a dildo. I can still see three cards in your hand… What else can you summon?”

Matt smiled wryly, then turned the cards in his left hand towards the naked man. Michael squinted his eyes really hard, but eventually needed to walk over closer in order to see properly. After a few seconds, he sighed and bluntly stated “We’re probably gonna die. Wait, does it actually matter if we do die though? I totally remember bleeding to death the last time you summoned me…”

“It matters, because I don’t wanna get eaten by a bear…” Matthew grimaced, remembering his experience during the tutorial. Then he added “But if you don’t mind the horrible agonizing pain, then no, it doesn’t matter. This is all a Virtual Reality and even if I die in my world, I’ll still be alive… And as long as I have your card, you’ll be able to keep coming back to life too.”

“Oh, cool.” Michael stood up and stretched a bit, before picking up the dildo with his right hand.

“This is the final match of this set for Matthew Leblanc! If he can defeat his opponent, he will receive a bonus reward for his efforts!” After the robot voice paused for a few seconds, it continued “The match will begin in three, two, one… Fight!”

The two cages were removed and the bear immediately started running on all fours. It had long brown fur, but there were quite a few patches of bald, scarred flesh on its body. When it was closer to the two of them, it suddenly stood on its hind legs and was nearly three meters tall.

“You should probably run now Kid! Even if I die, I’m gonna take this fucker with me! Hahahaha~!”

Michael was only a little more than half as tall as the beast, but he didn’t face it directly. Instead, he dove to the left and smashed the crystal dildo onto the bear’s knee cap. It roared in pain, as it went back down onto all fours and tried to bite at him. However, he jumped backwards and slammed the phallus onto its snout so hard that the dildo actually shattered, sending sharp crystalline shards into the creature’s eyes.

While it was stunned, he used the remaining jagged piece of quartz to viciously stab the bear’s throat a few times. Unfortunately, this gave the furious grizzly the opportunity to finally maul him with its claws. The left side of Michael’s face was torn off, then his right arm was amputated at the elbow, followed by his intestines being ripped out by the bear’s broken snout.

Yet, even in that state, he shouted “I win, bitch!” He wrapped his legs around the thick, bloodied neck and squeezed so tightly that he actually managed to crush the creature’s spine. It fell down on top of him and went limp, while Matt cautiously approached them.

“Are you… Okay?” Matthew cringed when he saw how badly injured his ‘partner’ was.

However, Michael managed to smirk, even with his mutilated face. Then he demanded “You better give me some motherfucking gear next time!” After that, his body rapidly broke down into black dust and even that residue swiftly disappeared. Finally, a Soul flew out of the bear’s corpse and went into Matt’s left hand.

“Congratulations to Matthew Leblanc for clearing his first set flawlessly.” After the monotonous voice made that announcement, Matt suddenly found himself sitting at his desk in the Private Server.

[You have received 10 Souls as a bonus reward. You have also gained a level.]

[Summoner: Matthew Leblanc
ID Code: Trashmob-707
Rank: Unranked
Level: 2
Experience: 0/10
Mana: 2/2
Cards: 10
Description: A pathetic loser who did absolutely nothing to earn his place as a Summoner.]

Instead of being in a hospital bed, Matt’s picture had changed to the old and bony version of himself. Except that Michael was in the background, naked, holding a crystal dildo in one hand and giving a thumbs-up with the other.

[Achievement Earned: “Sending the MC to Hell”. You completed a full three-round set in “Chaotica’s Coliseum 3: Wrath” while a Michael Cinagra card was in play. You have earned a new card!]

“I actually feel a little bad for Mike…” Matt muttered to himself, “I honestly thought he was an evil piece of shit, but it turns out that he’s just really fucking crazy. He literally just killed a grizzly bear with a crystal dildo and was mauled to death, just because I wanted to get some experience points and level-up.”

He sighed and grabbed the card that was floating in the air before him, whispering “Please be something good, please be something good…”

 

Volume 1: Unranked

Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14